Inspired by Open Letters on McSweeneys.net

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO KEEP STEALING AND VANDALIZING MY HUSBAND’S ’94 SATURN:


Dear Vandalizing Thief,

Enough is enough. What is it about my husband’s 1994 Saturn that is so intriguing to you? You and I both know that it’s a piece of crap and yet you continually pass by the BMWs, Mercedes, Toyotas and Hondas (which I’m told are just as easy to steal) until you see the Saturn. Is it the grainy gold color from years of not washing, or the droopy ceiling liner that attracts you? I wish you could at least have some heart to steal a car that is fully insured for theft. Why do you think a person drives a car like this? Five words: Full time student. No Money.

Thanks for parking it near the house where you tossed his insurance papers the first time you stole it. We were fortunate to see it when we drove to that neighborhood to pick up the paperwork. You may have stolen everything out of the car, and stripped the license plates, but the word “Bitch” that was scratched into the paint from the first time it was vandalized was a pretty clear indication that it was my husband’s car. Not to mention the donut tire that was still on the car from when he had a flat tire a few days before. That spare tire must have given you a real rough ride when you ground his clutch out. And to this day, I can’t imagine how you managed to blow the speakers in the one day you had the car. Was it from blasting the cassette tape of E.B. White poetry that my husband had, or from blasting his NPR stations that were pre-programmed into the radio? Just kidding, I know it was music from your favorite stations which you took the time to program in. Thanks for sharing.

After that, were you angry we found the car and took it back? A nasty note on the windshield would have sufficed instead of smashing his windows on multiple occasions to steal the contents of his car. I’m sure you realized by now that the only thing he regularly leaves in his car are his gym bags. How many gym bags does one person need anyway? Don’t his dirty gym clothes gross you out? Because I must tell you, he can be one sweaty guy. Fortunately for you, you must wear the same shoe size, but wouldn’t you rather get new shoes? He has already run an average of 300 miles in those shoes by the time you steal them. But don’t worry about the thing on the bottom of his foot that he’s been suffering from. It’s not contagious. Anymore.

The second time you stole the car, did you have to leave it parked in San Francisco? I had made sure it was fully insured this time, and was so excited that I might never see that car again. We could have taken the insurance money to buy another car that is harder to steal. Like a tank.

But no, you left it where the police could find it. Unfortunately they failed to tell us for a couple of days, so by the time we picked it up from the impound lot, it cost us over $300 for them to release it to us. (But thanks for pinning the droopy ceiling liner up with his Trader Joe’s nametag - that was a stroke of genius.)

It’s been awhile since anything has happened to his Saturn, but I wanted you to know that if you are thinking of vandalizing or stealing the car again, please do. I would like to buy a new car now, but I’m afraid no one will ever buy his old car. So, take it, dismantle it, drive it into the bay, burn it…do whatever you must do, just make sure that it will never ever be found again. I’ll even throw in a couple of gym bags full of sweaty clothes and running shoes to sweeten the deal.

Sincerely Yours,
Mrs. Mingle