Dancing Torture Flashback

A quote from Mom I'm not used to hearing:

"I really liked that email you wrote about pole dancing."

She told me this yesterday. I wrote the "pole-dancing email" in June 2003. Curious what I had written back then, I used my "valuable" time at work to search through old folders and found the original email, titled - "Torture". Here it is for your enjoyment:


Hello! I told a few of you about the audition callback...so let me tell you about the torture I experienced...
Well...I went to the dance audition last night... and it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life! Here's the story....
I was called back for a role as a courtesan in "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum", and I didn't know anything about it before the audition. Basically, they're members of a harem and are supposed to seduce the main character...so the first thing they said to us is..."The point of this audition is to show us how sexy you can be.." oh shit, I thought, that is soo not me..in fact that's about as far away as you can get when it comes to my dance style ... (I thought I was going to be "silly dancing"...not pole dancing!!) I was so mortified...
I was the oldest, tallest girl there and also had the least amount (no amount) of dance experience. They taught us a dance, which I never quite got because they went too fast and I just didn't get it, not to mention I'm not flexible...and basically screwed up when I had to perform. I felt like a beached whale. Had you been there, you truly would have laughed your ass off. I now have 3 bruises from last night's experience...one on each knee and midway up my back - can you imagine what type of dancing we were doing??
Once we all performed we had to line up on stage so they could just check us out because they were looking for a specific look and body type for different roles (and in my head I'm screaming.."Get me out of here!!") They also asked us 2 questions...."Does anyone have a problem dancing in 3-inch heels?" (Silence..silence...) "Does anyone having a problem being practically naked?" (Silence...silence) Finally, I shouted out.."um..I might have a problem with 3 inch heels" (If I can't walk in them...I doubt I can dance in them...) They said, "Well, how about 2-inch?" At this point I know they aren't going to call me back anyway, so I respond "yes, that would be fine" (Like I have a clue) They then asked me how tall I was, so I stood up straight and said 5'11'' and they said 2-inch heels would be fine. (Like it matters) And I just let the "naked" question go by, but had a clear image of me dancing half naked on stage with my friends and family sitting in the audience trying to hold back their laughter..or in my parents case, covering their eyes...
Once they were done checking us out, and taking notes they let us go. I could not get out of there fast enough and never looked back! And that...is my first callback experience... kill me..kill me now.

(Needless to say -- I didn't get that role)