Children for Rent

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As I’ve been looking for a new job over the last five months, and trying my best to be a stay-at-home mom, it occurs to me that I might be able to make a little money renting out my children to others.   If you are looking for a little excitement in your life for one week at a time, then I encourage you to read the below.*  We can negotiate pricing later.

When you rent my children, you will be guaranteed the following benefits for the week:

• A free daily wake-up call
• Learn to juggle (demands, not balls)
• You will be on kept your toes with stimulating brain activity
• You get to hear your name spoken, shouted and yelled - almost like having your name in lights
• A chance to challenge yourself, become a master multi-tasker!
• Exercise!
• You can catch up on all your favorite kids television shows
• Hugs at random times, it doesn't matter if your arms are full of groceries, if you are changing a poopy diaper, or carrying a knife - they aren't afraid!
• You can learn all the words to the entire Frozen soundtrack
• You can enjoy all the food you used to think fantastic as a child, twice over, since they don't like the same things as each other
• You can wake up super early to enjoy your quiet time alone
• You can stay up super late to enjoy your quiet time alone
• You might be able to take one nap
• You can learn how to type with one hand while fending little fingers off the computer
• You will develop a whole new appreciation for clutter, laundry and poop
• You never have to go to the toilet in private
• You’ll be forced to watch your language
• You won't need to talk on the phone to anyone all week (because you couldn't hear them anyway)
• You can play
• You can play again
• You can play some more
• You can goto parks to play
• You can play in their room
• You can play while you are cooking
• You can play while you are going to the bathroom
• You can play the moment you sit down
• You can play the moment they are done eating
• You can play when you are done playing
• You can work on your improvisation skills as you answer the same questions many different times
• You can play with toys you wished you had as a child
• You can read lots of (childrens) books
• You can create new and inventive knock knock jokes and puns
• You can explain what 'puns' means
• You can interpret their puns and knock knock jokes
• You can improve your vocabulary (please be prepared to define 'raffle’, ‘reputation’, and ‘tomorrow’)
• You can get into deep metaphysical discussions on why balloons pop and stickers get ruined when they get wet
• You can become the master of 'spin'
• You can laugh at mispronunciations and misuse of words
• You live everyday like it is Groundhog Day - doing the same thing, only differently
• You can appreciate the things that seem easy to you, so you will never take them for granted again. (For example: getting dressed, eating with a fork and a spoon, putting on socks, brushing hair, drinking without spilling…)

If interested, please contact me directly and send your resume and any other supporting documentation to prove that you are truly ready for this.  Payment in advance will be necessary.

*Not recommended for those considering having children of their own.  Your children will not be my children, and you will experience new and different joys than you would if you rented my kids.

All Packed Up and Ready to Ship