I found this journal entry from '99 and it came as a real shock to the system. 15 years ago I had the same complaints as I do today. Life has drastically changed, but it seems similar frustrations remain. This also echos the frustrations I'm having with the job hunt lately because I just don't want to keep doing the same thing I have always done. Yet, I cannot find a clear path out of the rut.
January 13, 1999
Do you ever feel like you were meant for bigger things? This is a question I want to ask others because it is definitely how I feel. ... It's not that I'm unhappy, it's that I'm unsettled, I'm bored wth my life. I get bored doing the same things at work everyday. I don't like to be told what to do. [Uh oh...sensing a trend here...] I can take criticism, but when I know that I'm right but people won't listen to me because I "don't have experience" that frustrates me. [Hmm.... should I be learning a lesson here?] How long will it be before I am happy in my daily routine? [Sadly.. maybe never]
I've been at my job now for 18 months with no pay increase. There's been a hiring freeze and cancelled merit increases across the whole company so it does not affect just me. [oh, little Mingle, you ain't seen nothing yet.]
Still - it is very difficult to continue doing my job and working for others when there is no movement up. And it is going to be very difficult to find another company that will hire me at a non-entry level position.
...
I want something exciting to happen! I want to travel around the world, I want to fall in love, I want to make more money so I can buy myself things and not regret it. I want a nice apartment in the City, I want a new job! I want a new car! [Holy smokes little Mingle, slow down there!] Grandma Pearl always said "Want in one hand and wee in the other and see which one gets filled the fastest." But how long do I have to wait?!
[Many more words I care not to publish]
I just made a realization about myself. Here I am, I feel like I could write endlessly but I stop everytime I get distracted. For example I just stopped the last 2 hours because of TV! [Some things really don't change, except now I get distracted by kids AND TV.]
...
If I say: I want to start swimming on Monday. Will I actually do it?! I want to practice the trumpet tomorrow. Do it! Maybe if I can conquer the little stuff than I can move forward with bigger things.
Maybe I should take advice from myself 15 years ago and "conquer the
little stuff than I can move forward with bigger things..." It was
less than 2 months after this entry that I applied to teach English in
Japan, and a few months after that was living in Osaka, Japan. I
certainly took some action then!
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